Well tonight I agreed to go on a blind date. A mutual friend set us up, we've spoken on the phone several times and now we've arranged a meeting. I'll admit to doing the Google and Facebook searches, so I'm not sure how "blind" the date is technically; I've already seen three photos of him. I did not confess this satiating of my curiosity to him, however.
This is the state of my life. I'm lucky to have one friend who has dared to try this and found us both willing. I've had no luck with online dating ( 4 dates since the official divorce, nearly 2 years ago) or meeting someone on my own. Honestly, I haven't made it a priority. Dating just doesn't rank high on my list. Health. My kids. Work. Friends. Family. I'm lucky to have time to address all of them if I balance my energies.
So far this person seems smart, kind, warm, funny, similar age and stage of life. Many common locations (St. Croix, Maine, MA), interests (food, diving, sailing, being outdoors, skiing), backgrounds (suburban Boston, Prep School, entrepreneurial families) and choices (marriage, children, divorce).
Yet it's odd to be dating as a single middle-aged mom. You're no longer the single young person with potential you were before your marriage and kids. There are no places to go that are known as single, educated, with kids, in your 50's hangouts. Meet Ups, Match Events and other social and commercial online avenues don't have the soul or the pulse of hanging out with your peers in your 20's and 30's.
Then there is the mental space that needs to be navigated. If I sense it's just a one and done on the Romantic gauge, but feel a friend in the making, how do I broach the subject? If I feel an affinity, there is much more at risk at this age then when you're younger, too. On the one hand, I'm comfortable and content to be alone right now On the other hand, it would be nice to grow old with someone, but I'm in no rush.
So it becomes a game of moments. He comes to pick me up. First impressions are catalogued. We drive to our destination, and I believe we'll have much to talk about. Then the question of how much to say on a first date. We've both been without a partner for nearly three years. How much or little does one discuss that on a first date? As a younger woman, you assumed previous partners, but they weren't that parent to the person's child. It's a whole other kettle of fish in this sea of seduction.
Now I'm tending to think about individual history before the marriage and individual desires for the future are the way to not instantly become entangled in each other's baggage. Because that's another issue; divorce and children (unless they are independent adults, and even then it's iffy) are baggage. In your 20's & 30's there may have been hurdles to jump, but not responsibilities to carry.
I'm a romantic and I've been known to jump fast and hard when I feel excited. It would be nice to be able to act on a positive impulse, but I know I can't and won't. Too much riding on it. You see it's not just me going on this date. It's also my children and my future self going on any date. The future self that has just started to enjoy the idea's of a variety of options I really have. My children, who have at least 5 more years under my roof. It's not about trying some one on for size...it's about if they can organically be combined with the garden I'm already growing. Will they be a fruitful and nourishing addition to my children's lives and mine or not. It's that simple.
So a dinner date with a mystery man is something to look forward to and even be excited about! However, it's just one moment in a series of the many moments it takes to navigate modern middle-aged dating.
Good Night, To matchmaking friends and fruitful moments, G'night!
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