Two steps forward; one step back.
As an American, that is how I felt after seeing SELMA today with my children. How is that we could pass the Voting Rights Act 50 years ago and now be trying to implement Voter ID's? How can we have the trauma of the first march in Selma, AL and not prevent the unjust violence and murders of our black youth in 2015?
As a mother, I feel like my work is never done. One child will reach a comfortable plateau, while the other is struggling below or spinning in circles just uncomfortably out of reach above. Emotionally, intellectually, financially and spiritually, I know what I want and would wish for them both. However, life's demands often interrupt my ability to provide it for them. Or they are not wanting to receive it, when I'm ready to give it. I feel my time with them going by too quickly. I have insights they are not ready to hear and regrets they needn't hear. I must wait until they ask. And they will.
As a teacher, there are always students who make great strides and then slip. Third term, the one we'll be entering after next week, is the typical tripping spot in the school year. Conversely, some students will just being getting their rhythm going and start to soar. For the teachers, there is always a new hoop to jump through or new licensure requirement to meet. Going to Grad school is also mandatory, forever, and is paid for out of pocket.
As a single woman, I don't know where to start. Twice in the last year I've landed in an ambulance en route to an ER. Both times I had a tiny pity party, having to use my friend (1st time) and mother (2nd time) as my closest of kin. No spouse who knew decades of health history in the paperwork. It's been 2.5 years since I asked for a divorce and I waited a year, until I was divorced, to date. In the last 18 months I've been on 4 dates (only one of them went beyond a first date...up to a third date). Valentines is coming and don't get me started.....I want to have a shared present and future with some one, to make a shared history, but right now I just can't seem to sell myself on Match.com to achieve that goal. I'm not going to discuss the two steps forward and one back on feminism here tonight, that's another story.
As a daughter, I feel time ticking away, too. I'm very lucky to have both sets of parents alive and (knock on wood) very healthy. When I broke my wrist last year and was thrown in the hospital with a killer virus, I was granted unfettered time with them. But I feel I always want more; perhaps a product of being a child of divorce myself.
As a friend, I feel both selfish and, at times, invisible. When I do have free time, I choose to spend it outdoors and usually alone or with a pack of dogs. I know it might be better to spend it with a pal or group of people, but I really don't have a lot of free time or extra money to spend. So local and free works. Yet, I fantasize about being invited to dinner parties or gatherings where I could meet a male who might adore me or giggle with girlfriends so hard that my stomach hurts, in the best way, on the drive home. But that doesn't happen. Being single in your 50's is odd. Most of my friends are married, or other single mom's, who have the demands of their own busy routines to manage. No time for playing matchmaker. So a majority of my friendly outings have been races, where we'll meet, run and retreat.
As a person; I'm content. I have a career in which I feel of use. I have two children who talk to me, even when they don't know what they're thinking. I have a treasure chest of loving friends and family members. I live in the country that makes a national holiday, and a day of service, for a man who died at the tender age of 39 so that all people could be judged on the content of their character and not the color of their skin. Time keeps ticking, too fast and too slow. As long as we keep marching towards truth and compassion, than we'll keep making progress.
Good Night, G'night.
No comments:
Post a Comment