Bonfire within...

Generating one's own fire is another delicate balance. In my twenties, people often told me to be careful, that I was "burning the candle at both ends." Now I'm finally learning to how to control my fire, but it isn't easy.

I have so many things I want to do, places I want to go, and experiences I've yet to imagine. I also have my daily routine life into which I set the future goals for travel, experiences, time to explore/play/race/examine/write. My life has never been about stuff. I'm completely in the camp of experiences over stuff. Except when it come to the accouterments of being able to do stuff: boats, bikes, cars, tents, sporting goods and such. Rather diving fins than diamond rings kinda gal.

I've experienced life bartering, running my own business, being a gopher, working retail, serving food, sorting fish, building boats & furniture, salvage diving, crewing boats, stocking and remaindering bookshelves, editing manuscripts, writing proposals, creating pitch letters, recommendation letters, grant proposals, newspaper articles, book reviews, course proposals, book contracts, intellectual property contracts, author/agent agreements, painted the interior and exterior of houses/apartment buildings, custom-made leather sandals from scratch, led underwater snorkeling tours in the tropics, worked as a Naturalist for Audubon both on a farm and in schools teaching kids, taught at Writer's Conference (too numerous to name), taught at Masters levels at Universities, received a MAT and BA in English, an Advanced Open Water Diving License, Teacher Mentor certificate, RETELL certificate, and sold advertising for my father's beer business. And those are just the jobs/titles I can remember.

It is the fire, tempered by love of water ~ floating, swimming, meditiating ~ that has never allowed me to become too dark. I've lost many bright friends to suicide. Stellar, straight A student's; top drawer artists; a jet-set vet; medical brainiacs; and more. Only they didn't hear the music in the fire or the cool calm waves of the water. They were so bright they didn't ask for help, nor tamp out one of the ends of the candle. I've been lucky to be surrounded by mentors who have appeared at just the right moment. And a family that welcomes me unconditionally. Many of the bright ones I've lost didn't have those opportunities or felt that they didn't.

Now I'm wanting to find the balance to develop a steady, self contained flame that will allow me to be seen by others, not singe myself and sustain me well into old age. A creative flame that will be constructive and not destructive. The balancing act of being a single mom and full-time teacher make adding the third log of writer to the bonfire a tad tricky. But I think I'm finally getting long enough in the tooth and skilled enough with the way wind, water and flames work to make  a go of it.

Good Night, Upward and Onward, G'night!