balancing illness

Late yesterday I succumbed to a stomach bug, which resulted in me spending most of my day reading, sipping or sleeping in bed. I hate staying home from work. I don't ever fully relax; I keep thinking of all the things on my to-do list that aren't done ~ at home *and* at work ~ which means it takes me half the morning just to allow myself the indulgence of staying home to get better and feeling I deserve it.

I make lousy decisions when I'm sick or run down. I think we all do. I tend to feel like I'll never be well again, even if it's just a hit-n-run stomach bug. It takes all the wind out of my carefully scheduled sails, and I feel the time slipping into the wake of my weary day with fear that it won't be recaptured or recovered.

I've always been like this. I'm not sure where it all began. When I was young I sometimes pretended to be sick for the opposite reasons. Life was overwhelming and depressing, and sometimes it was easier to be in bed or watching tv under a blanket than face the day. I think I stopped that practice after I had Mono in Jr. High. I was in bed of a month; so weak, tired and with a growing dread of reentering school with so much academic and social time missed, I vowed never to pretend again.

High School, I don't remember staying home much due to illness. Years later, I didn't miss many days of college either. I think the sickest I ever became at a job was working in NYC. I guess my psyche knew before my conscious mind was aware that my time in the city was over. My body's immune system just took a vacation. I seemed to be chronically sick. It took a while to realize that my inner life and outer life were out of balance and that was why I was so susceptible to any virus on the subway...

The other times that my body knew first that my spirit was sick, was when I decided to leave the boat and when I decided to leave my marriage. Those times I was feverish, but very clear, like my body and spirit were warring and I couldn't ignore it any longer.

Last night my kids made dinner, did dishes and batches of laundry. Today they continued the chores and my mother brought a bunch of groceries, and then played taxi for me. Those were the moments I felt guilt free and happy....I could let go and heal.

But usually, when I'm in balance, my health is in balance. Right now, I guess I'm a little overwhelmed with balancing all my work and home responsibilities. Seems there is never much down time, I could always be doing something. If I allow myself down time, I still have the checklist tapping away in the periphery of my sight lines while I'm watching something stupid on the tv.


I'm rambling, as I'm still a little warm and not fully fueled, but it is interesting to track illness to the balance of inner and outer energies. Enough, as I'm pretty sleepy again. Back to my book and sipping ginger-ale!

Good Night, G'night.