With less than two weeks left before school resumes, I feel the window of a work-free schedule (post traveling w/teenagers, workshops and grad classes) coming to an end. It also signifies an end to possible easy-breezy date nights, assuming I could find a date. That seems to not be an easy thing to do for me.
Some say, "You must make time for dating", and "You have to work at dating" and all these other euphemisms for to be a 53 yr old woman it's another job to find a truly available man! You see, I was also struck tonight by the fact that 5 other colleagues, who have divorced just prior to me or after me, are all now married (3), engaged (1) or in a multi-year monogamous relationship (1). Two of the marrieds are men (one in his 50's, one in his 40's). The other, female, is in her 30's. The engagement and long-term folks are on solid relational ground. And me....untethered and unable to find a flow into which I can hurl myself to find a date.
Been on and off Match for 2 years now. Don't approach it like a job, but rather a magic window or portal I keep hoping will produce some male counterpart to which I can relate and maybe even date. Nope. I really think theres an art to navigating the algorithms that make Match work, and I've failed to access the secret formula. Likewise POF, Greensingles and so on.
Since this writing retreat last week, where I met many people I could easily relate to, like I used to in Publishing, I thought, "ah - my people"! Perhaps I need to find a top-notch writers group not only for the ability to process my memoir into something worthwhile, but to perhaps meet someone or be directed toward some one of a similar age, stage and sensibility that may be conducive to getting a date.
Then other times I think, my life is too full. Teaching full-time (so far 125 students and the numbers just go up in Sept), single mother to a Freshmen and a Senior, English teacher (take home mountains of papers), and some one who likes to have at least a minute to herself and maybe a friend. I know other single mothers who have there kids 50/50 or full-time (my arrangement is like 90/10), and they some how manage to maneuver dates. But I think that they are A) younger and B) more invested in finding someone. I hate that "invested" is the word that comes to mind, but it rings true in this capitalist society. The dating sites cost money and if they don't, they are more likely to be "hook-up" sites, for which that ship has sailed (in the early 80's, thank you very much). People spend their time working at getting a mate.
Invested in that they hate being alone. I don't. I like it. At this very late age I'm fully realizing how much of an ambivert I am. Yes, ambidextrous and ambivert (too bad I'm not bisexual, as them many more options would be on the table). I crave time to be alone. It's required in my genetic make-up in order to recharge my batteries. I also love to be in herds of people. Classes, races, concerts, protests, marches and so on. I'm fairly good at one on one, too. I can get in the zone and flow. But I'm no good at the small talk for small talks sake, too artificial. I can talk to anyone, anywhere (as my children and family will attest, but it has to be real to the moment, not small talk). I like to share stories and histories, and ideally build a history with some one.
Which leads me to the idea of hurling enough of yourself out there to engage/hook a potential date/fish, but not so much that your entire origin story is left flapping in the breeze. After two years, I've found myself cutting things down to the bare bones and if I'm interested, I reveal a bit more. Problem becomes that I've been told that I'm "intimidating". Break it down people. Not timid. Not dating. Men have used that push back word on me for decades. I'm tired of it.
Does that mean that I don't need a man, but want one. Not just any man, but one who will hold his own intellectually, emotionally, spiritually, physically and truthfully? Is that so intimidating?
That I have stories to tell and places I've been and things I want to do. Hopefully a man will not be intimidated, but rather intrigued and maybe want to build a new story that we can share together?!
A part of what makes up my strength is my loyalty and fearless nature. So wouldn't some one want to partner with that? Instead of finding it intimidating a potential suitor might look at me as good investment, since the only thing certain in life is change.
Part of what I'm writing about in my memoir is just that. That a great deal of what makes a successful life is quite simple: show up and be prepared. If you do those two things, then taking a leap of faith that you can learn something new, go somewhere new or start a new relationship seems manageable.
Yet now we're back where we started. I show up. I'm prepared (went to a shrink to get all the anger at the wasband out 2 years ago, as I knew no man would stand a chance with me until I exorcised it). Yet it's like being in a whole new world, since I was last dating. There is no there there, it's all virtual. There men saying they want the reciprocal of what I say I want and am (and I don't lie about my age, weight, height and I use recent pix), yet what they really want is some one a decade younger than we both are now. I find myself realizing, over and over, that it will probably be a widower, who I meet - somehow-, during that window of time when their grief has past and another woman hasn't hooked them already.
Well that is the end of my pity-party for one. Next time you have a dinner party with a single man who you think might find me intriguing, invite us both, and I'll bring a cake for dessert!
No comments:
Post a Comment