Today I cried. Not a small tear out of the corner of your eye when a caught-off guard kind of cry. Rather a hyperventilating, spill the coffee you just bought,  can't eat the breakfast you just bought, and sit in your car and don't give a shit who sees you trying to catch your breath while tears stream down your face cry.

You see, I've experienced a lot of loss in the last decade; a marriage, a boyfriend, a life long love, two dogs and a future imagined self turned to dust. Today it was a house I'd inhabiting in my mind for the better part of a week. Yesterday I made an offer on it and today I discovered someone else bought it.

Gratitude for the people and advantages I possess buoyed through most of the above.
Fate has giving me a lesson plan I'm finding hard to follow ~ dancing as fast as I can while staying in place. Close to the definition of madness.
Heart and humor are all that sustain me now.
On days like today, I realize how alone I am on this path called life.
The ups and downs are mine alone.

Later today I'll be going to a memorial service, where I know I'll shed tears for a long and distinguished life ended. Mike Spock. There will be people to hug and stories to share.  A celebration of loss and a life well lived.

May that someday be my fate.

This was written in May 2019