Meditation I

     "Own Who You Are".....

     In doing a 3-day workshop with Deepak Chopra 4 years ago, his way of settling us into ourselves was to ask us who we were and to clear our minds for what came into our heads for an answer. At first it was things like "mother", "sister", "daughter"  and then in progressed to "newly divorced", "nature lover", "want-to-be-writer" and finally "me and all that means".

     Words do matter. I've lived in the life of the mind since I was a child. I've been making a career with words, one way or another, for 30 years now. I plan to keep writing until I form a frame for something worthy of sharing. My practice, towards that goal is this blog. Which I abandoned for nearly a year, as I lost myself and my sense of movement.

    You see, I literally couldn't move under my own power, very well, for the first third of this year. Once I could, I found it difficult and I had to make many adjustments. I simultaneously had to put others before myself for a myriad of reasons and I was fine with that; but I lost my drive, vision and purpose.

     This summer was tough, as I recounted in the last post. However, I would be remiss in not stating here that another highlight of this summer, beside swimming again, was a retreat I took with my daughter. Again, just like my workshop with Chopra, the retreat was held at Kripalu; a mother-daughter yoga weekend.

     Over those three days we walked, ate (silently at breakfast, per the rules), wrote, drew, talked practiced yoga, saunaed & soaked, swam, slept in bunk beds, and played with Tarot Cards. We were each very present in every moment of those three days. We were fortunate that it was not too hot (as there was no AC) and not too cold (for early morning yoga). The mother-daughter group was large, with at least 50-70 people present. For imost it was a celebration of their relationship, for some it was a bridge to each other and for a few it was an awkward exercise in intimacy. I think we experienced all three.

     My favorite section of the weekend was when we did partnered yoga. My daughter and I each have had knee issues and both of us were gaining stamina this summer. We had to be both gentle and strong in our poses. We had to trust one another physically, like we hadn't since she was a toddler. I had to trust her as an equal partner, too. The paradox was not lost on me. It was symbolic of the point we find ourselves now in life. She as a young woman, coming of age, and me letting go for her grow completely independent. At the end of the weekend, I bought her a adult length and nicely padded mat for her to take to college. The one she's used at home, since middle school, was too short and hard. It no longer served her well, she'd outgrown it.

     So "owning" and "growing" are closely related in my mind these days. A valuable part of moving forward requires discarding things from the past that no longer serve you well. Whether it be an old yoga mat, a hairstyle or way of being. Middle age kicks mortality into the mirror. When we look at who we are , you start to see that we are a sandwich generation (if we're lucky enough to still have our parents). Our children are growing their flight feathers and our parents are saying a long goodbye. We are the matter in the middle, they are the staff of life that brought us into the world (on one side) and who will remain after we leave (on the other side).

     Occasionally, I wonder if I should be spending more time with my parents and children. Have I learned, listened and leaned-in enough? I feel both, in equal measure, slipping through my influence and it's a new way of being that I need to practice. Yet my daily life is so full right now, with work and mundane matters, that it's hard to slow down enough to answer these kinds of questions.

     Which brings me back to owning who I am. I am a full-time teacher. I am a nature lover. I am a traveler. I am a writer. I am an athlete. I am a lover, mother, sister, daughter, friend and woman. I want to be a life-partner. I want to be published. I want to travel to Africa, Asia and Croatia. I'd like to swim in all Seven Seas. I want to retire in a decade +- and do meaningful work while writing. I want my kids to grow strong and independent. I want my parents to know in their bones I treasure them.

     Right now, I have no future goals mapped out to which I can assign a check list. I'm thinking that writing may be the future to build a checklist around, as my immediate life  will have no dynamic changes in it. So I've circled back to where this blog always returns: words, words,  and how words give meaning to my life. I must no longer linger on sharing, practicing and shaping the perfect memoir or story, but just commit to writing each and every day. No matter what inelegant and unattractive shapes the words expose. It's time to get naked; learn how to be a strong, gentle, blunt and abstract writer in a style that resonates with others in a meaningful way. That is who I want to be now and forever, time to own it!